Top Ten Ways We Can Tell That Tiger Woods is Black after all...

Top Ten Ways We Can Tell That Tiger Woods is Black after all...

10. Every last mistress of his is white.

9. Some of the mistresses look so skanky not even Charlie Sheen would fuck them

8. When he got into trouble the media immediately threw him under the bus

7. Only a brother would be sloppy enough to leave a message on a jump offs voicemail

6. He got into a car accident after getting beat and the police questioned him

5. In his house even in a moment of tragedy he is only surrounded by women

4. Despite the fact that his actions say "single" he keeps acting like he wants to be married

3. He's in his thirties and he's having a mid life crisis

2. All the money in the world can't take his problems away

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT WE CAN TELL THAT TIGER WOODS IS BLACK AFTER ALL...

1. The public is obsessed with his Dick!

Top ten reasons why I might have to stop seeing films at The Magic Johnson movie theater

Top ten reasons why I might have to stop seeing films at The Magic Johnson movie theater:

10. Tired of explaining to ignorant customers that it's not being white to just watch the movie  

and not talk to the screen. 

9. Slow - ass Welfare to Workfare employees that want to give you your snacks after the movie even though you stood in the line 15 minutes before it started.
8. I actually have this crazy idea that when you pay to see a movie you should also be able to      

see it as well.
7. Showtimes that are listed 45 minutes early to make up for C.P. time.
6. 45 minute previews.
5. Idiot CellPhone conversations that are longer than the actual film.
4. Sitting next to babies is one thing, sitting next to babies at the movies is another but when I

have to sit next to children in an R - rated movie after 10 that's just ridiculous.
3. Because some of the people that sit in the theater at Magic haven't grasped the idea that the

characters in the movie don't talk back to you just because you are yelling at them.
2. Tired of putting my woman in harm's way after ever near fight that I get into with a rude

idiot that refuses to shut the fuck up.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON why I might have to stop seeing films at The Magic Johnson Movie theater...

1. Watching movies there always make me hate Black people after the house lights come on.

Top Ten Things I am giving up for Lent...

Top ten things that I am giving up for lent...
10. Watching interracial pornography
9. Watching my wife watch me watch interracial pornography
8. Talking to my mother while I watch my wife watch me watch interracial pornography
7. Embracing anti - semitism
6. Buying weed from tenement buildings next to police stations
5. listening to investment tips from Bernie Madoff
4. Tripping blind people
3. Reading the New York Post and my vow of NOT slapping Austalian newspaper editors
2. Watching BET with the hope that they will produce something of value
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT I WILL BE GIVING UP FOR LENT......
1. Defending A - ROD

TOP TEN THINGS THAT BARACK OBAMA WAS THINKING TO HIMELF THE DAY HE WAS INAUGURATED AS THE NATIONS' 44TH AND FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT

TOP TEN THINGS THAT BARACK OBAMA WAS THINKING TO HIMELF THE BEFORE HE WAS INAUGURATED AS THE NATIONS' 44TH AND FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT...

10."I CAN'T WAIT TO TEAR MICHELLE'S ASS UP ONCE WE GET INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. I AM GOING TO WORK HER IN EVERY ROOM
THAT I CAN - AT LEAST TWICE!"
9. "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT COCKSUCKER DICK CHENEY? HE FAKED AN INJURY JUST SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO STAND UP FOR
ME WHEN I GET SWORN IN. LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO CHARGE SOMEONE WITH WAR CRIMES."
8. "IF PEOPLE ONLY KNEW THE TYPE OF SHIT THAT I HAVE BEEN SEEING SINCE I STARTED LOOKING AT THOSE PRESIDENTIAL
DAILY BRIEFS. THEY WOULDN'T MIND IF I SMOKED A CIGARETTE. AS A MATTER OF FACT THEY WOULDN'T MIND IF I TOOK
SOMETHING HARDER. THOSE TERRORISTS ARE CRAZY!"
7. "FOR GOODNESS SAKE IT IS COLD AS HELL OUT HERE, WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET YO YO MA OFF THE DAMN STAGE?!"
6. "WHAT ARE THE BUSH TWINS DOING HERE? WE'RE NOT SERVING LIQUOR AT THIS EVENT, ARE WE?
5. "LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE HERE? IT'S JUST LIKE THE MILLION - MAN MARCH EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THE PERSON
SPEAKING AT THE END OF THIS EVENT IS DOING MORE THAN JUST CONFUSING PEOPLE WITH TALK ABOUT NUMBERS."
4. "LOOK AT BILL, HE LOOKS SALTY. WHEN IS HE GOING TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT HE LOST."
3. "WELL I KNOW I HAVE MY LINES DOWN, I JUST HOPE THAT JOHN ROBERTS REMEMBERS HIS LINES. NO WORRIES, IF HE DOESN'T
HE CAN JUST READ OFF THE NOTES THAT HE SHOULD BRING WITH HIM."
2. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, I AM ABOUT TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM ABOUT TO BE THE MOST POWERFUL
MAN ON EARTH AND THE MOST AFRICAN IN THE HISTORY OF WRITTEN CIVILIZATION, NO WONDER SO MANY WOMEN WANT
TO FUCK ME."

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT BARACK OBAMA WAS THINKING TO HIMELF THE DAY HE WAS INAUGURATED AS THE NATIONS' 44TH AND FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...

1. "LET'S GET IT!"

Top Ten Reasons why Caroline Kennedy was not appointed junior Senator of New York State

10. There is an unwritten rule that Senators can not look like female impersonators.
 9. Governor David Patterson simply could not SEE how badly she wanted the job.
 8. One female Senator with limited skills and a popular last name was more than enough.
 7. Governor Patterson started to get second thoughts about her when he found out that she

     was thinking about making her campaign slogan, "remember my daddy, he got shot in the

     head, vote for me"

 6. Let's keep it real: The family is cursed. No one wants that type of karma in the U.S. Capitol.

 5. Because you know, she just isn't, you know, ready for the job. 

 4. Two words: Nanny Problems.

 3. The only issue that she was clear on was entitlements. As in, she was entitled to get the  

     job because of her last name.

 2. It was really for Ted Kennedy. Governor Patterson didn't want to give him a reason to get

     drunk.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY CAROLINE KENNEDY WAS NOT APPOINTED TO JUNIOR SENATOR OF NEW YORK STATE................................................................................

 1. At the end of the day not only was she NO John F. Kennedy she wasn't even Jaime Kennedy

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #10

IF A BLACK MAN WITH A WHITE MOTHER AND AN ABSENTEE FATHER CAN BE ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THAN ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE



FEW LAST YEAR EVER BELIEVED THAT BARACK OBAMA COULD EVEN CONTEND FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES, MUCH LESS WIN THE GENERAL ELCTION. HE PROVED HOW FAR ONE CAN GO WITH HARD WORK, WILL AND LEADERSHIP. ADD TO THOSE THINGS A REALLY FUCKED UP BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S LAST 8 YEARS AND A HORRIBLE ECONOMIC CRISIS AND YOU HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL EVENT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFETIME. PEACE TO BARACK. QUITE HONESTLY HE WOULD HAVE TO SOMETHING REAL MAJOR IN THE WAY OF FUCK UPS TO OUTDO BUSH FOR INEPTITUDE. IF HE JUST SHITS IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE NEXT 8 YEARS HE COULDN'T COME CLOSE TO MATCHING THE RETARDATION THAT WAS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND BUSH.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #9

IF A BLIND BLACK MAN WITH A HISTORY OF RECREATIONAL COCAINE USE AND EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIRS CAN BECOME GOVERNOR THEN ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...




THIS WAS A CRAZY YEAR FOR CURRENT NEW YORK STATE GOVERNOR DAVID PATTERSON. IN THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR HE WAS JUST YOUR NORMAL DEMOCRATIC HACK REPRESENTATIVE PLAYING THE POLITICAL GAME. NO ONE CARED THAT HE WAS BLIND. IT DIDN'T MATTER HE WOULD NEVER BE IN THE POSITION TO AFFECT ANY REAL POLICY RIGHT? OOPS

AFTER ELIOT SPITZER GOT CAUGHT IN THAT HOOKER STING PATETRSON WAS THE GUY THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE EXACT WRONG MOTHERFUCKING TIME. ECONOMY IN A RECESSION? CHECK, WALL STREET IN NEAR COLLAPSE? CHECK BUDGET DEFICIT? CHECK.

THE STATE IS IN TROUBLE. IF PEOPLE COULD HAVE FORSEEN THIS CHANCES ARE THEY WOULD HAVE EITHER SWEPT THAT HOOKER SCANDAL UNDER THE RUG OR IF NEED BE SWEOT THAT CHICK UNDER A ROCK. STAY COOL DAVID.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #8

JUST BECAUSE A MAN MAKES A QUARTER OF A BILLION DOLLARS AND PLAYS FOR THE MOST RECOGNIZED TEAM IN THE WORLD DOESN'T MEAN THAT A -ROD THINKS HE HAS ENOUGH ATTENTION...



ONE WOULD THINK THAT ALEX RODRIGUEZ. STAR REGULAR SEASON THIRD BASMEAN FOR THE NEW YORK YANKEES WOULD CONCENTRATE ON HOW TO HIT A HOMERUN IN THE POST SEASON AND NOT HITTING SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN SWUNG AT SO MUCH THAT EVERYONE IS BATTING 1,000

BUT NOOOOO! A- ROD AND MADONNA SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO USE EACH OTHER TO KEEP THEIR NAME RECOGNITION AND OUR DISLIKE OF THEM AT TALL -TIME HIGHS. SINCE IT'S BLONDE, COKED OUT WHORES THAT HE SEEMS TO BE INTO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE A -ROD PARIS HILTON'S NUMBER?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #7

DEGREES DON'T MEAN SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO WALL STREET. IT'S JUST ANOTHER FORM OF LEGALIZED GAMBLING!



WHEN THE BOTTOM DROPPED OUT ON WALL STREET YOU HAD EVERYONE TELLING US A DIFFERENT STORY EACH DAY. COME TO FIND OUT NO ONE KNEW WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.

NO ONE.

IT WAS EITHER A RECESSION, A RECOVERY OR A DEPRESSION.

HERE'S MY THING: I CAN DO WHAT THESE SO-CALLED EXPERTS DID AND I DON'T HAVE ANWHERE NEAR THEIR "CREDENTIALS." HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO TOTALLY BANKRUPT THE ECONOMY AND CRIPPLE CIVILIZATION? DO YOU REALLY NEED TO HAVE A DEGREE AT THE WHARTON SCHOOL OF BUSINESS TO TOTALLY COMPROMISE THE WESTERN ECONIMIC MONETARY SYSTEM? CAN'T YOU DO THAT WITH AN ASSOCIATES?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #6

CUNT IS ONE WORD THAT SHOULD NEVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE SARAH PALIN...IT WOULD BE INSULTING TO CUNTS



I AM SORRY. I KNOW THAT CUNT IS A HORRIBLE WORD AND THAT MANY PEOPLE (FELLOW CONTRIBUTOR THE WHITE SHADOW TO NAME JUST ONE) HATE THE TERM BUT SARAH PALIN WAS WORSE THAN THAT HORRIBLE WORD THAT DESCRIBES NASTY WOMEN. SHE WAS A JOKE AND HER MERE PRESENCE AND PURPOSE ILLUSTRATED JUST HOW FAR THE GOP HAS TO GO IN PRODUCING CANDIDATES THAT DON'T TRY AND SINK TO THE LOWEST LEVELS OF INHUMANITY. I HOPE SHE STAYS IN ALASKA AND LEAVES US DOWN- STATERS ALONE FOREVER

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #5

KWAME KILPATRICK PUTS THE N AND THE E-R IN THE N-WORD



THIS GUY HERE. HE WAS ON SOME CRAZY SHIT. NOT ONLY WAS HE AN INCREDIBLY INCOMPETENT MAYOR OF DETROIT BUT HE ALSO GOT CAUGHT UP IN A SEXUAL AFFAIR, A SCANDAL AND OH YEAH MANAGED TO GO TO JAIL. WTF? KWAME MUST HAVE BEEN SMOKING SOME OF THAT STUFF. FOR REAL. THEN HAD THE NERVE TO SAY THAT HE IS GOING TO COMEBACK.

TO WHAT - A REALITY SHOW?

DUDE, DO US ALL A FAVOR: DIVORCE YOUR WIFE, BONE YOUR MISTRESS AND DO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER FORCE THE PUBLIC TO SEE YOU AGAIN. PLEASE.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #4

THE CLINTONS ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BE THE VICTIMS AND THE VICTORS.



WHAT THE HELL? AFTER THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE WHERE HILLARY CONCEDED I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE DONE WITH THE CLINTON SIDESHOW. BUT NOOO. BARACK OBAMA BEING THE NICE BENEVOLENT GOD - KING THAT HE IS DECIDES TO MAKE HER THE SECRETARY OF STATE. THANKS OBAMA. NOW WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MORE STAINS ON DRESSES, KANKLES AND A REALLY PROFOUND SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT FROM TWO ASSHOLES.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T NO AT 33 - #3

EVERYONE ISN'T BARACK OBAMA -SOME MEN NEED FATHERS IN THEIR LIVES



EVERYONE CAN'T OVERCOME THE LOSS AND PAIN THAT COMES WITH AN ABSENTEE FATEHR. OUR ATHLETES ARE DEFINITELY AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS TO MEN THAT DON'T HAVE THAT STRUCTURE, GUIDANCE AND STRENGTH IN THEIR LIVES. THEY TURN INTO SPOILED, NARCISSISTIC, EGOCENTRIC OVERPAID PUSSIES.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #2

THE LIVES OF DOGS ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WELFARE OF A YOUNG GIRL GETTING PEED ON OR A BLACK MAN COMING OUT OF A STRIPCLUB GETTING SHOT OVER 40 TIMES...




NOT ALOT TO WRITE I'LL JUST SAY THIS..R.KELLY FREE, MIKE VICK IS IN JAIL AND SEAN BELL'S WIFE HAS TO SEE THOSE COPS THAT SHOT HER CHILD'S FATHER WALK THE STREETS.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I KNOW NOW AT 34 THAT I DIDN'T KNOW AT 33 - #1

THAT I AM BLESSED TO HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS.



FOR REAL. HUBRIS FOREVER. 34 AND NEVER STOPPING

TOP TEN things that george bush should do after he leaves office...

10. Apologize for the last eight years of his administration.
9. Before he leaves office, score points with the Black community and pardon Mike Vick.
8. Sell house in Crawford, Texas relocate with Laura to the most dangerous project in New Orleans and spend the next 8
years helping rebuild the Crescent City.
7. Learn how to read, write and speak in public.
6. Call Jimmy Carter for advice on how to live life as a a President that most people would like to forget.
5. Buy a Delorean, go back in time and change the Florida recount results.
4. Change the Constitution so that he can leave office ASAP and Barack can take over as soon as possible
3. Do something that would redeem him in the eyes of many; shoot Dick Cheney in the face.
2. Work something out with President Obama so that at least once a year he can dance with Africans and play the bongos
on The White house lawn
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT GEORGE BUSH SHOULD DO AFTER HE LEAVES OFFICE...
1. Anything he wants just as long as he doesn't try give advice on National Security, the economy, torture techniques, constitutional law, Supreme Court appointments, public speaking, terrorism, cabinet appointments, business, etc., etc.,

TOP TEN REASONS WHY SARAH PALIN SPENT 150 K ON HER WARDROBE...

10. It was cheaper than putting lipstick on a pig
9. It’s an investment for her next campaign - the one for president in 2012
8. When you incite racial and class hatred you can’t do it in an outfit from H and M
7. If she is going to constantly look stupid and like an idiot on national television day after day the least she can get is a louis
bag
6. The outfits help her stay in touch with the common woman. The common woman that gets to go on shopping sprees in malls
5. Because unlike Michelle she doesn't have the inner beauty to truly understand that you don't need expensive marked up
clothing to look beautiful. Just a nice fat ass
4. You need to get your mind off the fact that you like a woman who is known more for being funny than for being beautiful
3. Because really really deep through all that down - home talk, winking at the camera and pretending to be a proud small town
mom from Alaska, she really is a hillbilly and was just happy to go shopping at a place that didn't have mart at the end of it's
name.
2. Because she needed something to wear to constantly warn America of Barack Obama's plans to be a socialist while she takes gifts that were given to her by the redistribution of republican party wealth.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY SARAH PALIN SPENT 150 K ON HER WARDROBE...
1. That's what jesus would do if he was an insensitive, inexperienced, puppet candidate with hillbilly blood running through his veins.

TOP TEN reasons why Colin Powell decided to endorse Barack Obama for President...

Top ten reasons why Colin Powell decided to endorse Barack Obama for President...
10. Got tired of not being able to look himself in the mirror
9. Wanted to cross, “redeem myself after having been a sellout monkey the past eight years” off his bucket list.
8. It was one thing when his wife, Alma said that she wouldn’t give him any cooch cooch if he didn’t endorse Obama,
but when his 32 year – old mistress said it…
7. He wants to go to heaven
6. Sarah Palin
5. The contract on his good republican negro deal expired in early October
4. He can never get over the time that John McCain accidentally handed him his bags when they saw each other in a hotel
lobby
3. The rallies that McCain and Palin were holding. Not the ones with the crazed audience members but the other
rallies, the ones with the burning crosses
2. He finally remembered: I’m from The Bronx not Selloutsville.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY COLIN POWELL DECIDED TO ENDORSE BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT ...

1. Barack promised Powell that if Powell endorsed him he would let him see naked backshots of Michelle